Chapter 1

The real story of Mrs Palmer’s Jerky begins in 1845 in the town of Knobrubby in County Cork, Ireland. During the grip of the potato famine, a young man named Shamus O’Palmer decided to take matters into his own hands, with high hopes and a pocket full of dreams he set off to see the world and find an alternative nutritional substance for his people.

Shamus’ first adventure began when he joined the Good Ship “Venus”. The “Venus”, ably commanded by the likeable Captain Hans Jerkov, was on its way to a part of the world hardly touched by man, the fabled river Yanktze. Shamus was taken on as Cabin Boy, whose main job was to polish the Captain’s silverware every night before retiring to his bunk. After finishing off the captain, Shamus would often join the old hands on the poop deck to listen to Master Bates’ stories about his heroic efforts in taming the one eyed Madagascan trouser snake. Shamus on the other hand would regale the crew with his playing of the pink harmonica with much encouragement from Seaman Staines who unbeknownst to most was a virtuoso of the skin flute himself.

Early one morning whilst cleaning his sword, Shamus looked to the horizon and spied a French Frigate.……..

Chapter 2

"Froggy frigate off the port bow!" Shamus O'Palmer yelled. Captain Jerkov dropped the job in hand and ordered the crew to attention. "We may have some close hand to hand work ahead of us boys, so get a grip on yourselves, lube up the cannons and prepare to blow your loads."

Seaman Staines who was varnishing the ship's flagpole exclaimed "They're raising the 'Jolly Rogerer', looks like they are not here to audition the finger puppets!" With that a puff of smoke erupted from the frigate's cannon and the first shot greased the Venus' bow.

The two ships hove to and thick ropes arced through the air joining them together, seamen spewed all over the deck. "Attack the cock!" yelled Master Bates "The French will surrender rather than loose their mascot." The battle raged until Shamus made it onto the French poop deck and seized the rooster by the neck. "Surrender now before I choke your chicken" he demanded

A hush fell across the scene, "Sacra Bleu!" said the French Captain "We must surrender. He has Willy our cock, and I think he means to poulet*. We must free Willy" "Yes free Willy" exclaimed the chicken. Everyone stared in amazement. "Look at that" Master Bates exclaimed "a talking Chicken!"......

* French for Chicken

Chapter 3

Captain Le Coq of the French Frigate said, “Old on, where did zee coq learn to speak zee English so well.” “Ahh” said Willy the chicken, ” I studied at Palma University in Italy at the Primate Slapping Institute. The University was magnificent, nestled between the Twin Peaks of Mounts Laura & Palmar, I was taught by a woman called Rosie Hancock who really had a grip of the English language.”

“Palma is also the home of the fabled ‘Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love’ a reclusive man so good at the art of love that he prefers to hone his skills locked away in monastic isolation” I want to go there” said Shamus “Just imagine sitting at the great mans feet catching all those pearls of wisdom”

“Well that’s it”, exclaimed Captain Jerk Off “kill the chicken he is wrecking the story, we are off to Palma in Italy to see the Twin Peaks and meet this Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love.” “What shall we do with the Frenchmen?” blurted Master Bates. “Take them with us, something tells me we may need a few wankers on this trip and those funny accents may come in handy.” ordered the Captain.

*(Founded in 1064 in Italy, Palma University is the longest continually running University in the world)

To be continued …..